There is this big thing at the moment regarding pregnancy loss/ miscarriage and normalising it...
I'm a little unsure how I feel about this. Do I wish I could've reached out to my friends more? YES. Do I wish I had been more prepared for that outcome? YES. Do I think miscarriage should be 'normalised'?... Absolutely NOT!. Normalising it wouldn't have changed the above, that's just the kind of person I am.
I had a difficult experience, but that wasn't because it wasn't normalised to talk about. It was difficult because as with any death, coming to terms with it is a journey.
My loss wasn't straightforward and like so many others, was after a period of thinking a baby wasn't possible. As anyone who has experienced a pregnancy loss it was quite traumatic, I was quite far on and my little blueberry didn't want to leave which just made the saying goodbye even harder. I was in and out of Doctors and Hospitals before the inevitable happened.
Now I'm not one to sit in self pity, however, when someone said to me "oh don't worry its quite common, it happens to 1 in 3 pregnancies and some women suffer 3 or 4 before getting a 'viable' one" quite honestly I wanted to smack them in the face. Not because miscarriage isn't normalised but because it isn't and NEVER will be normal to me. She spoke of my baby like it was a tin of beans as if it was normal like, yeah don't worry there's no beans left in stock but there will be some next month...I don't care if id suffered 10, I am a woman that had to let go of a life I will never meet and cuddle and laugh with. Before that loss I had imagined their 3rd trimester kicks, their birth, their smile, their laugh. But that loss just took all of those unknown things away from me forever.
I don't want to feel normal about that, I wanted to feel that pain because that's all that was left of that little human.
I think there is a lot more to be done on the education of the subject and the likes of informing women from a young age that miscarriage can happen quite regularly. Not that its normal and should be spoken about more and freely because that is a personal choice, but that it happens and you'll never prepare for it but if you're at lease aware of it then it doesn't feel like such a personal failure.
Personally, I'd known of a few miscarriages but again its not relative until its your own. I chose not to tell anyone; not even family.
- There was a small amount of me that didn't want to say it out loud because that made it real; not that it wasn't already.
- For the most part both me and my husband kept it to ourselves because it was by far one of the worst pains i'd ever felt in my heart, it crippled my insides and churned my muscles up, how could anyone even begin to understand that? That's how I felt at the time.
It wasn't because I felt ashamed, or embarrassed at my personal failure to grow a child. I was ecstatic that id even managed to conceive! A few friends spoke to me of their loss, that didn't make me want to tell them anymore than if they hadn't. It was a personal loss and to me that silence felt more like treasure than talking about it like gossip or wearing it like a badge of honor.
I'll wear it like a badge of honor now, I'm 2 years down the line, I have a beautiful pair of identical twin girls and I will never forget the blueberry I never met; but its taken me 2 years to talk about it this freely.
So, in my opinion its a hard one. There will always be people like me that choose to keep it to themselves because its a difficult pain to explain to someone. But at the same time, if you make this subject so 'Normal' will there be any sympathy for the people that are or that have had to endure that pain or will this normalisation in fact make the problem worse?
If its so normal and well talked about why are you so upset? Because you are human and you are always going to have emotions surrounding loss. Period! Ultimately its a personal choice, regardless of whether or not media deem it normal or not.
What are your thoughts on the subject? Should it be normalised? I've made my opinion based on personal experience, but I also understand that everyone's experience is different and where i might like to be quite with my thoughts to heal, others may want to talk and get it out of their minds.